I could be doing anything other than watching Netflix right now. Finishing up my nonfiction book for my deadline this weekend. Writing for one client. Editing for another client. Pitching articles. Cleaning. Yes, even cleaning.

Who wants to clean, though?

My middle child just started Kindergarten. We’ve been waiting for this for five years. She was difficult, tough, independent and dominate from birth. We butt heads, her and I. I couldn’t wait for Kindergarten to come and it couldn’t come fast enough. It was an easy transition to big kid school when my oldest started. I expected nothing less for her.

Then the day finally arrived. I thought I’d dance and get straight down to work. Looking forward to putting the baby in for a nap and having quiet in my house for the first time in five years. I didn’t expect the myriad of emotions that hit me the minute the bus pulled up.

All at once I felt immense love, sadness, happiness, and bittersweet joy. I felt lonely.

Wait back up a minute. I have been waiting to be alone (er…sort of since I still have the baby) for a long time. I’ve been waiting for time to focus on my career with my demanding child off at school for six hours a day. And yet I felt lonely?

I didn’t feel that way sending my first off to school. I put him on the bus many years before and went off to work without a second thought. I knew he was ready and so wasn’t I.

This time it hit me harder. I’ve spent every day for five and a half years with this little girl—Minus the less than handful of times she slept over an aunt or uncles house—and I missed her. I never expected that. I didn’t cry, but my throat swelled up and my eyes grew heavy watching her get on that bus yesterday, and again today.

She’s a big girl now, out in the world without me. I am proud and excited for her. But, I am also sad to let go of the little girl she used to be. The one that looked to me for all the answers.

So what did I do on my first day home—sort of—alone without her? You guessed it—well I already said it—binge watched Netflix while the baby napped. I couldn’t focus on my writing during that time. I needed to veg.

The truth? I did it guiltlessly. I want to do it again today, but I’ve got work to get through. I don’t mind the work. I love my work actually. I just, like most people, would prefer to veg out during this alone time. I cannot do that forever.

When do your kids go back to school and did you experience all the emotions you never thought you would?

Happy September | Happy Fall

*Note—This post was only edited for spelling and structure. It’s a blog post, lighten up. If I took the time to edit all my blog posts for perfection, they’d never get posted. If you find an error, sure please tell me. I might have even noticed it already and not cared. Maybe I’ll fix it, maybe I won’t. I’ve stopped striving for perfection in honor of just getting it out of my head! Have a nice day.