My second child is almost 15 months old now and as it turns out I am having all those stupid not anymore and never again emotions at the same time. She’s no longer using bottles or drinking formula (breastfeeding stopped around 11 months) and she doesn’t need those infant toys like the swing and bouncy seat. We have no use for burp cloths and she’s too big for baby towels. Running all over the house, she’s busy learning new words and figuring out the world. There’s no time for cuddling.
I tried to treasure it. When my Nana said, “You better put her down or she’ll never want to be put down,” I didn’t listen and continued to hold my infant sleeping in my arms for as long as I could. I knew how fast it went by with my first and how we now shop in the big boy section for size Mediums. I couldn’t even pick him up if I tried. And it went by faster with my youngest. She never wants to be held now.
And, I miss it. I don’t miss the new mom exhaustion and fog that may or may not still be hanging around. I don’t miss waking up at all hours of the night or steaming and puree fresh vegetables and fruit for bulk freezing, but I do miss her melding into my arms as if we were one again and her teeny tiny little baby body relying on me for her every need.
The only cuddles I get now are before naps and bed. We rock and giggle and I kiss her cheeks as many times as I can before laying her down. I know, from experience with my first, that this will pass soon and she’ll ask for Daddy to tuck her in at night and one day, she’ll tuck herself in.
I tried to treasure it. I tried to savor it and hold on to it. But the truth is no matter how much you appreciate the moments while you are in those moments, they will still pass and become a memory. And overtime a faded distant memory.
I could have stopped to write it all down, to take pictures and make an album, but I chose to live in the moment instead.
I might not remember every single time I held my children close or slept with them by my side, but I’ll always remember the intense emotions and love that grew in those moments.